#tw sui ment

[vampirepiss]

i'm gonna (remembers suicide jokes are no good for my mental health) go higher. I'M PISSING ON THE MOON

[exmotranny]

the green carpet scratches at your pink heels. bile rises in your throat.

they talk about womanhood- but it’s not quite right. there is the pink and compliments and talk of boys

i am a beloved daughter

but there is also something else. it digs at your flesh, it feasts on your skin. your mother motions at your chest, bigger than hers and you're not even done growing yet! how lucky.

of heavenly parents

you pray to a man every night, finish it in another’s name. on your knees. you were sent a shady link as a kid. the woman on her knees, tears streaming out of her eyes, i don't want this, she said

with a divine nature and eternal destiny

blood on the inside of your underwear. you were told this meant you were a woman now. you were ten years old. what the fuck did you know about being a woman? your mom said you weren’t allowed to touch between your legs, but it's normal to want to. you didn't know what that meant, either.

as a disciple of jesus christ,

you wanted to be desired. you daydreamed of being the trophy for boys around you, of claiming that role one day as a wife. you came from a long line of women married young. you don’t know their names, but you were taught about their husbands in church.

i strive to become like him.

pressing your breasts down as much as possible, trying to give the illusion of a flat chest. badly cropped jpgs of jesus photoshopped to have top surgery scars are the secret currency you pay to get past the hours of church. you hold them like diamonds.

i seek and act upon personal revelation

you thought god was talking to you. you almost threw away everything you owned. you thought you were a prophet. total fuckin’ ego death! holy shit! god speaks through me!

and minister to others in his holy name

and then the next morning. when your faith crashed, when moroni abandoned you, did it feel unreal to you too, joseph?

i will stand as a witness of god

oh god, no. please. i don’t know what’s real anymore.

at all times

leg hair peeking from under your pretty sunday dress. they all stare. you ignore them and open up to D&C 132.

and in all things

emma, did you love him to the end? i don’t think you wanted him. did you watch as he married a 14 year old? did you tell him you burned the commandment? did you cry when he died for the church that he loved more than he loved you?

and in all places.

blood on the floor of carthage jail. this martyr will be remembered forever. do they talk about you, emma? or are you just joseph’s wife?

as i strive to qualify for exaltation,

when i marry, my husband will be a god, and i shall cleave onto him. when i marry, i will go to his universe and bear more of his children.

i cherish the gift of repentance

heads bowed low as the sacrament is passed. my hands clutch onto the bottom of my skirt. pleasure outside celestial marriage is forbidden. i apologize for loving the wrong way.

and seek to improve each day

i tried to kill myself, last time i got home from girl’s camp. i got home and cried and found the pills and shoved them into my mouth until i cried more and more until i was gagging. i hunched over the toilet. my hands on the grimy floor.

with faith, i will

forced to sing in front of the congregation. my head spun from anxiety. my stomach turned with nausea.

strengthen my home and family,

loving wife beautiful kids loyal husband church once a week work weekdays weekend mom monthly round on the business end of his cock forever and the vomit threatens to make an appearance.

make and keep sacred covenants,

an old man is in a room alone with me. he asks me if i masturbate.

and receive the ordinances and blessings

i tell the man no. i receive a card so i can be ordained.

of the holy temple.

that's just how it goes, isn't it?

all around are paintings of god and jesus. we learned about heavenly mother. why don’t i see her in paintings? did god have plural marriages? did heavenly mother make us? why don’t we pray to her? did she watch god marry a 14 year old? did she cover her eyes? when she saw blood on her underwear, was she told she was a woman? did she touch between her legs? did she ever believe herself better than god? does she cry when she cant talk to us? why do i cry? was heavenly mother scared of singing in public and did she press her chest flat and did she cry when god forced himself into her mouth? did she burn his doctrine too?

i am given flowers on mother’s day. i will be one eventually, after all. and i vomit in the church bathroom quietly like the perfect woman i am supposed to be.

[dimonds456]

It is not okay to speculate whether or not someone is suicidal. If they claim to be, you should 100% take that shit seriously and give them the benefit of the doubt.

That said, if someone is using their own suicidality as a weapon to gain sympathy, emotionally manipulate someone, or to push other people down, GENUINELY fuck that person. While it's not okay for us to doubt that statement just because they're weaponizing it, that also doesn't mean we need to ALLOW that manipulation to convince us of something.

If you feel the need to use your terrible mental health as a step-stool in a conversation to make your side more heard than the other, you need to take a step back and re-evaluate yourself. And I am saying this as someone who ALSO has shit mental health and has been in the trenches with it before. I get it. I understand. But also STOP.

It's tempting to want to save your own ass over recognizing where you've gone wrong, but just a word of advise: recognizing where you've gone wrong WILL save your ass and give you better mental health and wisdom down the line.

However, emotionally manipulating people absolutely will not.

[xdistantskies]

Czernin twins AU

Au where Louis is actually a real person. And is in fact Matthias' twin brother. Louis is the star child, their parents put him on a pedestal as he is more successful and entertaining than Matthias. And because of their favoritism for Louis, Matthias is forgotten, even forgetting he is their son and acts like Louis is their only child.

While Louis is a bit stuck-up and spoiled, he is able to recognize that his sibling is being mistreated and neglected. He doesn't hate Matthias, in fact he tries very hard to make time for him despite his busy schedule. Being a family of puppeteers, Louis is the main star, so he is almost always busy. But when he tries to talk to Matthias, Matt pushes him away. Matt envies Louis and has a silent hatred for him, and perhaps he even fears him as he is so successful and liked by everyone. Matthias is intimidated by him.

When they were younger they used to be best friends, best siblings, inseparable. When their family had gone broke and suffered through poverty, they were always at each others side, comforting one another. But when their family turned to puppeteering and entertainment, and they grew increasingly successful, everything changed. They grew apart as Louis was made the star of the show and Matthias was left forgotten in the dark. And that's when Matthias' hatred grew.

Matthias was abandoned by not only his brother, but his entire family. But the feeling of his twin abandoning him hurt far more than his parents, no he didn't care about his parents anymore. But his brother...his brother. :((

Perhaps to line up with the OG storyline, Matthias loses his mind and attempts to burn their house down and kill himself and the rest of his family. Despite his plans him and his twin both end up surviving the fire, but their parents didnt. Louis sustains more serious injuries than Matthias. About 30% of his body was burned, him surviving was a miracle... Now he is confined to a hospital bed, and Matthias is able to go see him. Louis feels nothing but fear when Matthias walks into the room, deep inside he knew it was Matt who started to fire and killed their parents, attempted to kill him. But he doesn't tell... Matthias knows he knows.

Matthias' eyes have become so soulless, any empathy he had left is gone. With Louis powerless and weak, Matthias is in control now, he can control him as he likes, torment him, and he wouldn't be able to speak a word.

Eventually they would both be sent to a new home, Louis would be under Matthias' care as he tries to heal. Louis doesn't truly deserve the torment that Matthias has in store for him. Because he too was abused in a way, he was nothing but a money horse for his parents, he was only treated kindly because he brought them fame and money. He never got to be a normal kid, he was always working and continued to work well into adulthood.

They were both victims of different kinds of abuse.

I'd like to believe that this au leads to them understanding each other again and forgiving each other, but at the same time i want it to end tragically. Perhaps they perform a double suicide

[st4rrl1ghtwastaken]

im selfish??

…ok guess ill kill myself

[tittiedshrek]

God, as a person who HAS been hospitalized before for attempting suicide, just seeing James randomly traumadump on his fucking audience to gain sympathy pisses me off to no end. I am not doubting that he has attempted or insinuating that he is lying - that is fucking gross first of all and secondly, I can understand that being the weekly "internet villian of the week" can come with harassment. Perhaps even worse harassment because he is gay and a member of a historically marginalized community. At the same time, it is EQUALLY as gross to use your attempt as a way to garner sympathy when you get called out for problematic behavior. It's manipulative, cheapens the topic, and makes everyone else who has struggled like myself look like selfish attention seekers.

I can understand that someone can feel so guilty/sad about what they have done that they can resort to self-harm, but that is a personal problem that needs to be dealt with OUTSIDE of the internet in therapy. It's not the fault of your audience, Nick, Hbomberguy, Kat, etc. that you ended up in the hospital, and it is irresponsible as a creator to have that be the FIRST thing you talk about in your "apology" video and have that hang over their heads. You can't say that you're not trying to make this into a sob story, then take advantage of your audience's parasocial relationship with you to make them feel bad for being disappointed in you.

I don't want James to die, I really don't. No one deserves to find themselves in such a state of mind, and I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy. I do, however, want him to stay off the internet completely until he recognizes the harm he has caused to the LGBTQIA+ community and he gets in a better headspace so that he can actually make amends to everyone he has stolen from and hurt.

[pro-gamer-berdly]

I made this and I think it might only be funny to me but I don't CARE

[grapemoon]

Chibita to Iyami in episode 13 of osomatsu kun

[endersdead]

:) vent time

im trying rly hard to be outwardly normal but its not rly working. i havent been this suicidal in a while :/ im like not in danger or anything but im.. so tired. ig it makes sense why its happening now but fml. i feel soooo guilty for taking up space with my feelings when my useless ass doesnt do shit and everyone else in my life is struggling for good reasons. they’re all working and socializing and struggling because they have actual lives. and here i am whining on the internet abt how sad and shitty i am while doing absolutely fuck all. im just a fuckup i think :/ like im incredibly useless and actually fuck things up more than i ever help. diagnosed loser shithead leech at birth lol. whatever i’ll just post this, immediately delete it, and continue to crush those feelings into the little molten ball of shit that lives in my chest. like i always do.

[junior-high-rui-official]

plan A: off myself failed

plan B: join theatre troupe

plan C: make a living harvesting cannabis oil

[cringelordofchaos]

How I interperet some roles in flicker (part 1?) - Investigator

I might do more of this but I was recently thinking about the angst potential of being an investigator (classic flicker.) Specifically an investigator that accidentally accuses too many people. Because, just imagine

Your votes matter twice as much. YOUR suspicions on who the murderer is is seen as more important than anyone elses'. A decent amount of things depend on you.

But I imagine it could give the investigator some pressure, and good lord would it bring some guilt. Every vote of yours counts, your intelligence and ability to recognize the murderer is important, your voice is public. But if you mess up? If you wrongfully accuse someone who's innocent as a murderer, although everyone trusted you? Man, it's all your fault.

People are reliant on your decisions more. Some people may even simply blindly follow your accusations, even though you know you may be incorrect. And you may,and will mess up.

You will mess up. And the thing is, peoples' lives and safety depend on you. You can't AFFORD messing up, even though everyone messes up every once in a while, you can't. Because if YOU wrongfully judge someone innocent, their blood is now on your hands. It's all your fault. You should've been smarter, you should've been less accusatory, even though you know that if you don't accuse anyone the murderer might stay in the game for even longer.

Guilt and shame will take over you fully, you were put in a position of charge and you exploited it, you ruined it, it is all your fault.

If you accuse too many wrong people, trust issues will ensue. And I'm not talking about issues of trusting other people (because I imagine everyone, regardless of their role would get them) I'm talking about issues with trusting yourself, your own judgement.

Why were you chosen for this role anyway?

You start to doubt yourself, your ability to forsee, your intelligene, your ability, perhaps your morals.

Hell, with time, if you accuse too many innocent people and they all get voted out because of your accusations, you might even start considering yourself as the murderer.

You are a murderer.

You are the murderer.

Once you've eliminated as much people while lights were on as the murderer has killed people while the lights were off, are you really any better?

The difference is, people trust you, they trust your gut. But you fail them.

Are you manipulating them?

.

.

.

Of course, none of these things are necessarily true - the investigator I'm talking about has never meant to hurt anyone, they only ever so tried helping others - but as more pressure is put on to them by themselves, they continue to mess up.

The goddamn guilt of it all.

They can only hope that Eventually, the murderer will kill someone. Someone that deserves it just as much as the murderer.

the investigator. the investigator that messes up too many times.

Because only god knows how many people would still be here if it weren't for their mistakes.

If only people didn't trust them as much.

[vampirepiss]

how to explain to my mom that years of forcibly living as a woman has made me wanna overdose on rat poison without mentioning the suicide part...

[yutamayo]

Kill yourself

Ngl I'm kinda getting a lil turned on

Believe it or not this is actually my first ever kys anon!! I finally made it y'all. We in the big leagues now boys 🙏🏽❤️

[at-the-end-of-time]

This is a dark premise. What made you want to write something like this? /noff

First off, I'm stealing /noff from you, I haven't heard that one before jfndnd

Second, I will put below the cut cuz this one's a bit heavy.

I've struggled with things like death and my place in the world for a while. I like to think I know who I am, what I'm about, and what I want to do, but I also know that I'm capable of so much more, y'know? So do I persue storytelling like I've always wanted, or become a biologist? I know I'd enjoy both paths, but which one is more fulfilling?

Not to mention, I've been outrunning death from some of my own earliest memories. One of my most formative memories is in one of those pools where lifeguards can control how big the waves are, and I followed my dad to a deeper part of the pool to get his attention. When he didn't even realize I was there, I pushed further, until the waves grew too much and I couldn't touch the bottom. I remember the feeling of water filling my lungs. I woke up on my side, and my parents were filling out paperwork with the lifeguards. Whoops.

I've got so many bad experiences 🥽 ng that it's a wonder I'm not afraid of water. In fact, swimming is still one of my favorite activities.

In middle school, I got diagnosed with Graves Disease. First of all, great name /sar. Second, mine was so severe that my resting BPM was 160. Granted, I was in middle school, so that's not TOO bad, but even still a normal resting BPM would have been between 120 and 140. My running BPM got up to 230, sometimes 240!

I'm finally out living it now in my 20's, but I thought I'd have this stupid disease for life.

Also in middle school, I became clinically depressed, which spanned into high school and even made me suicidal for a bit. I made it, but it was gruelling.

In 2023, for my creative writing class in college, I wrote an ode to death that, when voiced, is about 8 minutes long. Still one of my best works.

Throughout everything, I've always been morbidly fascinated with the idea of death. If not dead today, right now, what would that mean? What would happen? Exploring those thoughts has sometimes been terrifying, and other times comforting. Terrifying because I'm worried I'll have missed my shot, and comforting because I know I'd be missed, y'know?

This particular story came to mind because of modern politics and the 5 different genocides happening globally. Why can people just stand by? How? When the greenhouse gases kill the earth, is it possible to escape? Will Earth recover?

And from there, I just combined the two.

Existentialism, fear, love, terror, death- all things I'm fascinated by in different ways, combined into one giant exploration of what it means to be alive. How DO you find the will to keep living when, ultimately, nothing matters? The ship WILL be sucked into the black hole. You can't outrun death forever. So do you just give up and surrender to it, or do you keep fighting for as long as possible? Why should you?

All that and more, I guess.

[cringefailfagcat]

gonna vomit i literally heard a persons body hit the front of a moving train

[st4rrl1ghtwastaken]

people would miss me? wtf. now i cant kill myself.